Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

In my previous blog I talked about when do you become an adult and start acting like one. The situation has been on my mind for several days now and I have talked with several people about what has been happening and they have all pretty much said the same thing…..this person is either friends with the ex or his girlfriend and feels that talking to me would be a betrayal of that friendship. Okay, I will let it go and believe that this is what the person is thinking.

The problem is…..why is this still on my mind? This person and I were not great friends and quite honestly not much more than casual acquaintance. This would require a great deal more than I had anticipated. One of the things that I have learned about in the last couple of years is when you are faced with something like this and it really gets to you or stays on your mind then there is something within yourself that needs to be looked at. A person is not always ready or willing to look at these things, but me being the kind of person who has to figure out everything and put it into a nice, neat little box, can’t let something like this rest.

I attend Al-anon and practice the 12 steps. Those familiar with AA and Al-anon know about the steps and those who actively work their programs, work the steps. They are not mandatory, but when worked, give a person insight into themselves and help them live the best life they can live for that day. That being said, the fourth step requires the person to “take a searching and fearless moral inventory of themselves”. This step can be very, very scary because more times than not, when you look within yourself, you will see things that you don’t like and nobody wants to confront that! Since this situation has been sitting on my mind I decided to take my inventory and went looking as to why this situation has me so disturbed and do you know what I found? Yes, you probably guessed it…..I found that the reason why this situation was still sitting with me is because, I have treated people the same way and now that I am being treated this way….I see what it feels like and I don’t like it.

There is one person in particular that I still treat this way and no it’s not the ex! There is a person that I used to be friends with and whenever we talked or hung out, it was fun. I introduced him to my best friend and they dated for a short period. The relationship ended badly and he was very hurt. He kept calling me at work and wanting me to hash out things with him and I just couldn’t do it, I felt like I was betraying my best friend and also felt like he wanted me to side with him and say what an awful person my best friend was. In reality, she could have handled their situation much better than she did, but she didn’t and all I really wanted was to be left out of it because I was embarrassed that she had treated this person this way. So what do I do to this person now? Whenever I see him, I don’t acknowledge him in any way, shape or form….talk about lessons and paybacks!

Okay, so now I have done my fourth step and when this is posted I will have done the fifth step which is to admit to God, to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrong. The next step can be a little tricky though, it says that I shall “make amends where ever possible except when to do so would injure them or others”. The other underlying factor here is to also check my motives….why am I trying to make amends….is it just to make myself feel better or is it more than that?

Certainly anytime that you admit to someone that you were wrong the reason is twofold, one is to let them know that they did nothing wrong and the other is to make yourself feel better. I would like to let this person know that the way I treated him was unkind and that I am sorry for being a knothead! I am not expecting this person to forgive me for the way that I treated him, but I do want him to know, that I now know that what I did was wrong and I plan on being a much better person in the future….so the question still hanging in the air is; is it more than just trying to make myself feel better?

When are you an adult?

The question for the day is when are you an adult? I have this person that somewhat confuses me. I work in the same building as this person and she has always been nice to me. A couple of years ago my former husband and myself choined this social club and I found out later that this person that works in my building was also a member. Like I said, she has always been nice to me and I have never had anything bad to say about her. My divorce will be 2 in March and just recently this person from work has been giving me the cold shoulder.

I don't understand it! My former husband is still a member their and I know that he is dating someone from there also, but I have never asked the person from my work about the club, anyone in the club or anything that goes on out there. So why all of a sudden the cold shoulder? this person is married, so I know she is not the one the that is my ex is dating. I can understand it if she feels like talking to me is a betrayal of her friendship with my ex.....if they are even friends....that I don't know. Like I said, I don't ask. I don't see to many people that are friends of his simply because I don't hang out in the places that they do and when I do run into his friends, I am nice and say hello, maybe ask them how they are doing, but I don't pump them for information.

One, it's none of my business about how he is living his life and two, that would be putting them smack into the middle of something that they don't belong in. It has been hard for me to move on with my life since the divorce so I don't pump people for information about him on purpose. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person who can hold my own in a conversation about topics other than my ex husband.

Is it too much to ask that people just maintain a certain level of civility? When do people start acting like adults and treat other people with respect? Since when does a divorce mean that people cannot be cordial or even nice to others?

Does it always end up this way?

I had dinner last night with a couple of friends and the conversation was generally negative with them spending a lot of time talking about their past and the fun they used to have. You see they are both married and I am single. They are in their early 50's and I am in my early 40's. I got divorced after 16 years of marriage and 18 years of being together. The divorce was not what I wanted.....I knew that there were problems, but nothing so severe that they couldn't be worked out...my ex thought differently.

My friends complained about being married, the lack of joy in their lives, the lack of desire for intimacy with their husbands and overall unhappiness.....Does it always end up like this? Neither of my friends are planning on leaving their spouses, but one does wonder that if they are feeling like this, then what are their husbands feeling? I asked them if they told their husbands about how they felt and both answered yes and no.....they have spoken of some of their discontent, but not all. Will they be like my ex and wait until it gets to the point of no return to really do anything?

Why do we find it so difficult to really lay it all on the line and say what we really need to say? My former husband came to me and told me that he was unhappy and thinking about leaving. I asked him what he was unhappy about and he told me everything. So what was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to do....I waited for him to make up his mind. He told me he wanted to stay and work on it, but then neither of us discussed it any more and neither of us made any changes in the way we were living our lives and then a year later, he was done and wanted out.

I assumed that when he had something more to discuss he would come to me...he didn't. He assumed that I would turn myself inside out to make him happy....I didn't. We lacked the tools necessary to figure this out and it simply just didn't occur to either of us to ask for help from friends, family or therapy.

I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I want now. I have never been on my own and the rules are all different when you have to make the decisions on your own! If I make a bad decision, I am the only one who has to deal with those consequences, but also, I have no one to help me figure out why it might not have been the right decsion.....so I see both sides of the coin ....it is really great to be part of a couple and have someone there to rely on, but also, it is just as good to rely on myself....how else am I going to learn?