How Can I Be Different

It's been a while since my last post and several things have occurred. I am no longer dating John. He had some personal issues come up and felt that they needed his attention and he didn't have the energy to deal with them and handle our relationship. I respect him for the way that he handled this and I was very disappointed that things had to end. I hear from him every once in a while and I really miss him. I felt like I finally had a grown up relationship in that we could discuss things that we were dealing with and I didn't need him to be the rescuer...for me, that was a huge step. I was standing on my own and dealing with my own stuff and not needing someone to take care of everything for me.

Tonight finds me somewhat lonesome and somewhat sad. Today my son graduated from basic training in the military, even though I am so very proud of him and so very proud of the man that he is becoming....i'm sad. You see the ex was there and although we are very civil to each other and can even joke around a little, this special occasion was tainted with some very real sadness on my behalf. I was sharing this day not with my husband and partner for life, but with my sons father. When all was said and done, I went to my hotel and he to his....we are no longer married and no longer can we share in these joys together and that in itself breaks my heart. I always dreamed that we would sit, hand in hand in take part in our children's milestones together and although we were together, we were very much separate.

I have found myself thinking about what I could have done to change what the way things have turned out and I have some pretty good ideas, but would they really have worked? I loved this man and quite honestly I don't know if I loved him in a the way that he wanted to be loved. You see I made some terrible choices during our marriage and those choices were not made out of malice toward him, but out of fear.....I felt caught in vicious cycle and didn't know how to stop....it's like I had a gambling addiction and kept plugging nickles into the slot waiting for the huge payout....it never came.

Finally, he could take no more and wanted out, stating his lack of trust in me as a person. Now if you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that I am one of the most honest and trustworthy person they know...so what was it about this most precious relationship that kept me from being honest and trustworthy with him. FEAR! plain and simple! I feared his rejection, I feared his anger, I feared that he would leave and most of all I feared his judgment of me as a person. Well, he was angry, he did reject me, he did leave me and yes, he judged me. His judgement of me deamed me unworthy.....unworthy of trust and most of all unworthy of love.

If he truly loved me wouldn't he have stayed? and if this person whom I had put so much faith, time and energy into loving didn't love me enough to stay with me when I was not perfect, then who would I ever find that would, because I was unloveable. Here we go with FEAR again! I didn't date for almost 2 years after the divorce because I was afraid...I was afraid of putting myself at risk again. There was so much pain when the marriage ended that I didn't think that I was strong enough to go through that again, but I did and although the relationship with John didn't work out, in the end I felt that I had at least put myself in the position to be hurt. Was I sad when the relationship ended, yes, but also, the relationship had not reached the levels of trust and love that I had in my marriage and the relationship ended not because of something that I had done, but of something that was out of my control and when it gets right down to the nuts and bolts of life, is there really anything that is in our control?

In one word, yes, we can control ourselves. That is it...nothing more, nothing less. You see, my husband was going to leave me whether I had done anything wrong or not, it was in the cards. Don't get me wrong, this was not all his fault by any stretch of the imagination. I made many mistakes and those mistakes cost me a marriage. A marriage that was not perfect, but one never is. Letting go of the guilt is not easy and neither is moving forward with my life, but it something that has to be done and each day that goes by it gets easier. Although today was somewhat sad, it didn't encompass me like it had in the past. I was able to look at my son with joy and pride and put aside my thoughts and feelings to help him enjoy this special achievement and he was never able to guess that some of the tears that I shed were not tears of joy but of sadness over what now was how me and his father are sharing these special occasions and yes, there were many tears of joy and yes, I am very proud of him and I am happy that I was chosen to be his mom because he truly is a remarkable person!