Confusion

It's been a while since I last posted and a lot has occured since then. I have been dating this really great guy....we will call him John. He is intelligent without being condescending. He has a higher level of education than I do but he is very down to earth and that really appeals to me. I enjoy his company and usually have a very good time whenever I am with him, however this week has been difficult.

On Thursday of last week he informed me that he couldn't see me for the next two weekends because his ex needed him to take care of her dog which is quite sick while she went out of town to visit her ailing father. He agreed knowing that this would be quite a responsibility. When he first explained everything to me I thought the he was very kind and generous to be taking on such a huge responsibility. It spoke volumes to me about his character and loyatly. On one hand I think that it is very admirable for him to take this on and to do so with the intention of doing his very best.

On Sunday a relative of mine died of cancer. She was younger than me and leaves behind children and grandchildren and a legacy of addiction. I am having a very hard time finding any sympathy for the loss of this life. I feel compassion for her children and all that they have had to endure and the fact that they will now have to figure out the rest of their lives without their mother. My own mother passed 9 years ago, so I know that feeling of when life gets to be too much and she's not there to help! Like right now!

I also have taken on the responsibility of caring for a dog that belongs to a friend. The dog is pretty good with a couple of exceptions....she messes in the house and doesn't indicate to me that she needs to go outside. Also, she requires a lot of attention and sometimes I just don't have it to give and find myself running a little short on temper with her.

I have been mired in anger this week and it would seem that it is aimed at everything that has been going on. I am angry with the boyfriend for putting me on the back burner and not working harder at incorporating me into his life at this time. I am angry at the relative for the life that to me seems wasted.....wasted opportunities and wasted second chances. This relative grew up in a wealthy home and had all of the priviledges at her fingertips and took advantage of none of them! I am angry at the friend for being lazy when it came to housebreaking his dog and for treating the dog like she was a human and not an animal and now the damn dog doesn't have a clue and is confused by all that has happened to her in the past couple of weeks!

I have been trying to get to the source of all this anger....other than at the obvious! I don't like being a person who is not compassionate and caring toward all people no matter the type of life that they have lived. It is their life, not mine and it's not my job to judge them for what they have done! I'm having a lot of trouble letting go of those judgements and easing the burden on myself.

It's almost 4 am and I have had 20 minutes of sleep in the last 20 hours. I'm tired but cannot sleep.....my mind will not let loose of all these thoughts running rampant up there.....I need to ask my higher power to help me on this one and then maybe I can let it go.....we shall see!