When do you cut your losses?

Tonight finds me in a state of unrest and confusion. A couple of weeks ago I heard from John and we went out on a date. The date went great and we had a good time. Friday was my birthday and John and I went to dinner with another couple and once again, had a good time. Now, 2 days after that date there are problems. He told me that he had a rough day, emotionally but didn't want to discuss the details and canceled on seeing me tomorrow.

We talked for a while and he eluded to the fact that when he is in a relationship he puts some kind of pressure on himself, but never discussed what the pressure was related to. He has a fear that I will date him for a period of time and then figure out that he is a nut job and that I have wasted a lot of precious time on him. When we started this relationship back in February I had a lot of fear....fear of putting myself out there and getting hurt and I discussed that with him, but it seems like he has a lot more fear that I do!

Does he care about me more that he is letting on and that is what is bringing about these problems? I don't know...I suspect so, but until and unless he decides to let me into his world I will never truly know. Which brings about another fear that I have....the fear of my partner not being able to share important things with me. I want a relationship where my partner can let me know what he is dealing with and it doesn't appear to me that he will ever be able to do that. Are my expectations to high? I don't know.....How does one achieve that level of trust on both sides? Again, I don't know! What I do know is that two weeks after the restart of our relationship he is having problems.

I hesitate to let the relationship go because when he is well I am the benefactor of so many important things. He is intelligent, affectionate and generous. He bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday and never has someone that I have dated been able to choose something so perfect for me....which tells me that he truly gets who I am as a person! There is a song out by the band Incubus called "Dig" and in the song they sing that we all have someone and something that "Digs" at us, but are the things that dig at him stopping him from having what could possibly be an amazing relationship? I think so....I am a big believer in envisioning your life....that is I believe that if you can get a mental image of you having a future with someone or doing your dream job, then it's very possible that this vision could become a reality. I have been able to do this since the day that I met him and that lends itself to even more confusion on my part.

So do I cut my losses and move on? I don't know! Do I hang in there and see if it can be turned around? I don't know....so as you can see, right now I don't know a whole lot!

How Can I Be Different

It's been a while since my last post and several things have occurred. I am no longer dating John. He had some personal issues come up and felt that they needed his attention and he didn't have the energy to deal with them and handle our relationship. I respect him for the way that he handled this and I was very disappointed that things had to end. I hear from him every once in a while and I really miss him. I felt like I finally had a grown up relationship in that we could discuss things that we were dealing with and I didn't need him to be the rescuer...for me, that was a huge step. I was standing on my own and dealing with my own stuff and not needing someone to take care of everything for me.

Tonight finds me somewhat lonesome and somewhat sad. Today my son graduated from basic training in the military, even though I am so very proud of him and so very proud of the man that he is becoming....i'm sad. You see the ex was there and although we are very civil to each other and can even joke around a little, this special occasion was tainted with some very real sadness on my behalf. I was sharing this day not with my husband and partner for life, but with my sons father. When all was said and done, I went to my hotel and he to his....we are no longer married and no longer can we share in these joys together and that in itself breaks my heart. I always dreamed that we would sit, hand in hand in take part in our children's milestones together and although we were together, we were very much separate.

I have found myself thinking about what I could have done to change what the way things have turned out and I have some pretty good ideas, but would they really have worked? I loved this man and quite honestly I don't know if I loved him in a the way that he wanted to be loved. You see I made some terrible choices during our marriage and those choices were not made out of malice toward him, but out of fear.....I felt caught in vicious cycle and didn't know how to stop....it's like I had a gambling addiction and kept plugging nickles into the slot waiting for the huge payout....it never came.

Finally, he could take no more and wanted out, stating his lack of trust in me as a person. Now if you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that I am one of the most honest and trustworthy person they know...so what was it about this most precious relationship that kept me from being honest and trustworthy with him. FEAR! plain and simple! I feared his rejection, I feared his anger, I feared that he would leave and most of all I feared his judgment of me as a person. Well, he was angry, he did reject me, he did leave me and yes, he judged me. His judgement of me deamed me unworthy.....unworthy of trust and most of all unworthy of love.

If he truly loved me wouldn't he have stayed? and if this person whom I had put so much faith, time and energy into loving didn't love me enough to stay with me when I was not perfect, then who would I ever find that would, because I was unloveable. Here we go with FEAR again! I didn't date for almost 2 years after the divorce because I was afraid...I was afraid of putting myself at risk again. There was so much pain when the marriage ended that I didn't think that I was strong enough to go through that again, but I did and although the relationship with John didn't work out, in the end I felt that I had at least put myself in the position to be hurt. Was I sad when the relationship ended, yes, but also, the relationship had not reached the levels of trust and love that I had in my marriage and the relationship ended not because of something that I had done, but of something that was out of my control and when it gets right down to the nuts and bolts of life, is there really anything that is in our control?

In one word, yes, we can control ourselves. That is it...nothing more, nothing less. You see, my husband was going to leave me whether I had done anything wrong or not, it was in the cards. Don't get me wrong, this was not all his fault by any stretch of the imagination. I made many mistakes and those mistakes cost me a marriage. A marriage that was not perfect, but one never is. Letting go of the guilt is not easy and neither is moving forward with my life, but it something that has to be done and each day that goes by it gets easier. Although today was somewhat sad, it didn't encompass me like it had in the past. I was able to look at my son with joy and pride and put aside my thoughts and feelings to help him enjoy this special achievement and he was never able to guess that some of the tears that I shed were not tears of joy but of sadness over what now was how me and his father are sharing these special occasions and yes, there were many tears of joy and yes, I am very proud of him and I am happy that I was chosen to be his mom because he truly is a remarkable person!

Confusion

It's been a while since I last posted and a lot has occured since then. I have been dating this really great guy....we will call him John. He is intelligent without being condescending. He has a higher level of education than I do but he is very down to earth and that really appeals to me. I enjoy his company and usually have a very good time whenever I am with him, however this week has been difficult.

On Thursday of last week he informed me that he couldn't see me for the next two weekends because his ex needed him to take care of her dog which is quite sick while she went out of town to visit her ailing father. He agreed knowing that this would be quite a responsibility. When he first explained everything to me I thought the he was very kind and generous to be taking on such a huge responsibility. It spoke volumes to me about his character and loyatly. On one hand I think that it is very admirable for him to take this on and to do so with the intention of doing his very best.

On Sunday a relative of mine died of cancer. She was younger than me and leaves behind children and grandchildren and a legacy of addiction. I am having a very hard time finding any sympathy for the loss of this life. I feel compassion for her children and all that they have had to endure and the fact that they will now have to figure out the rest of their lives without their mother. My own mother passed 9 years ago, so I know that feeling of when life gets to be too much and she's not there to help! Like right now!

I also have taken on the responsibility of caring for a dog that belongs to a friend. The dog is pretty good with a couple of exceptions....she messes in the house and doesn't indicate to me that she needs to go outside. Also, she requires a lot of attention and sometimes I just don't have it to give and find myself running a little short on temper with her.

I have been mired in anger this week and it would seem that it is aimed at everything that has been going on. I am angry with the boyfriend for putting me on the back burner and not working harder at incorporating me into his life at this time. I am angry at the relative for the life that to me seems wasted.....wasted opportunities and wasted second chances. This relative grew up in a wealthy home and had all of the priviledges at her fingertips and took advantage of none of them! I am angry at the friend for being lazy when it came to housebreaking his dog and for treating the dog like she was a human and not an animal and now the damn dog doesn't have a clue and is confused by all that has happened to her in the past couple of weeks!

I have been trying to get to the source of all this anger....other than at the obvious! I don't like being a person who is not compassionate and caring toward all people no matter the type of life that they have lived. It is their life, not mine and it's not my job to judge them for what they have done! I'm having a lot of trouble letting go of those judgements and easing the burden on myself.

It's almost 4 am and I have had 20 minutes of sleep in the last 20 hours. I'm tired but cannot sleep.....my mind will not let loose of all these thoughts running rampant up there.....I need to ask my higher power to help me on this one and then maybe I can let it go.....we shall see!

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

In my previous blog I talked about when do you become an adult and start acting like one. The situation has been on my mind for several days now and I have talked with several people about what has been happening and they have all pretty much said the same thing…..this person is either friends with the ex or his girlfriend and feels that talking to me would be a betrayal of that friendship. Okay, I will let it go and believe that this is what the person is thinking.

The problem is…..why is this still on my mind? This person and I were not great friends and quite honestly not much more than casual acquaintance. This would require a great deal more than I had anticipated. One of the things that I have learned about in the last couple of years is when you are faced with something like this and it really gets to you or stays on your mind then there is something within yourself that needs to be looked at. A person is not always ready or willing to look at these things, but me being the kind of person who has to figure out everything and put it into a nice, neat little box, can’t let something like this rest.

I attend Al-anon and practice the 12 steps. Those familiar with AA and Al-anon know about the steps and those who actively work their programs, work the steps. They are not mandatory, but when worked, give a person insight into themselves and help them live the best life they can live for that day. That being said, the fourth step requires the person to “take a searching and fearless moral inventory of themselves”. This step can be very, very scary because more times than not, when you look within yourself, you will see things that you don’t like and nobody wants to confront that! Since this situation has been sitting on my mind I decided to take my inventory and went looking as to why this situation has me so disturbed and do you know what I found? Yes, you probably guessed it…..I found that the reason why this situation was still sitting with me is because, I have treated people the same way and now that I am being treated this way….I see what it feels like and I don’t like it.

There is one person in particular that I still treat this way and no it’s not the ex! There is a person that I used to be friends with and whenever we talked or hung out, it was fun. I introduced him to my best friend and they dated for a short period. The relationship ended badly and he was very hurt. He kept calling me at work and wanting me to hash out things with him and I just couldn’t do it, I felt like I was betraying my best friend and also felt like he wanted me to side with him and say what an awful person my best friend was. In reality, she could have handled their situation much better than she did, but she didn’t and all I really wanted was to be left out of it because I was embarrassed that she had treated this person this way. So what do I do to this person now? Whenever I see him, I don’t acknowledge him in any way, shape or form….talk about lessons and paybacks!

Okay, so now I have done my fourth step and when this is posted I will have done the fifth step which is to admit to God, to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrong. The next step can be a little tricky though, it says that I shall “make amends where ever possible except when to do so would injure them or others”. The other underlying factor here is to also check my motives….why am I trying to make amends….is it just to make myself feel better or is it more than that?

Certainly anytime that you admit to someone that you were wrong the reason is twofold, one is to let them know that they did nothing wrong and the other is to make yourself feel better. I would like to let this person know that the way I treated him was unkind and that I am sorry for being a knothead! I am not expecting this person to forgive me for the way that I treated him, but I do want him to know, that I now know that what I did was wrong and I plan on being a much better person in the future….so the question still hanging in the air is; is it more than just trying to make myself feel better?

When are you an adult?

The question for the day is when are you an adult? I have this person that somewhat confuses me. I work in the same building as this person and she has always been nice to me. A couple of years ago my former husband and myself choined this social club and I found out later that this person that works in my building was also a member. Like I said, she has always been nice to me and I have never had anything bad to say about her. My divorce will be 2 in March and just recently this person from work has been giving me the cold shoulder.

I don't understand it! My former husband is still a member their and I know that he is dating someone from there also, but I have never asked the person from my work about the club, anyone in the club or anything that goes on out there. So why all of a sudden the cold shoulder? this person is married, so I know she is not the one the that is my ex is dating. I can understand it if she feels like talking to me is a betrayal of her friendship with my ex.....if they are even friends....that I don't know. Like I said, I don't ask. I don't see to many people that are friends of his simply because I don't hang out in the places that they do and when I do run into his friends, I am nice and say hello, maybe ask them how they are doing, but I don't pump them for information.

One, it's none of my business about how he is living his life and two, that would be putting them smack into the middle of something that they don't belong in. It has been hard for me to move on with my life since the divorce so I don't pump people for information about him on purpose. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person who can hold my own in a conversation about topics other than my ex husband.

Is it too much to ask that people just maintain a certain level of civility? When do people start acting like adults and treat other people with respect? Since when does a divorce mean that people cannot be cordial or even nice to others?

Does it always end up this way?

I had dinner last night with a couple of friends and the conversation was generally negative with them spending a lot of time talking about their past and the fun they used to have. You see they are both married and I am single. They are in their early 50's and I am in my early 40's. I got divorced after 16 years of marriage and 18 years of being together. The divorce was not what I wanted.....I knew that there were problems, but nothing so severe that they couldn't be worked out...my ex thought differently.

My friends complained about being married, the lack of joy in their lives, the lack of desire for intimacy with their husbands and overall unhappiness.....Does it always end up like this? Neither of my friends are planning on leaving their spouses, but one does wonder that if they are feeling like this, then what are their husbands feeling? I asked them if they told their husbands about how they felt and both answered yes and no.....they have spoken of some of their discontent, but not all. Will they be like my ex and wait until it gets to the point of no return to really do anything?

Why do we find it so difficult to really lay it all on the line and say what we really need to say? My former husband came to me and told me that he was unhappy and thinking about leaving. I asked him what he was unhappy about and he told me everything. So what was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to do....I waited for him to make up his mind. He told me he wanted to stay and work on it, but then neither of us discussed it any more and neither of us made any changes in the way we were living our lives and then a year later, he was done and wanted out.

I assumed that when he had something more to discuss he would come to me...he didn't. He assumed that I would turn myself inside out to make him happy....I didn't. We lacked the tools necessary to figure this out and it simply just didn't occur to either of us to ask for help from friends, family or therapy.

I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I want now. I have never been on my own and the rules are all different when you have to make the decisions on your own! If I make a bad decision, I am the only one who has to deal with those consequences, but also, I have no one to help me figure out why it might not have been the right decsion.....so I see both sides of the coin ....it is really great to be part of a couple and have someone there to rely on, but also, it is just as good to rely on myself....how else am I going to learn?